Archive for  July 2007

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I just arrived from the ICU of the UST Hospital about a couple of hours ago. After several days of being confined in a provincial hospital and a roller coaster ride of emotions, a couple hours after midnight last Thursday, dad was brought to UST because his condition wasn’t improving. I have been attempting to blog about what’s been happening to my dad several times, but many of those times have been interrupted by phone calls of progress and many times setbacks re dad’s condition.

Last Thursday I thought that dad had finally passed through the critical stage only to receive a midnight phone call from my brother telling me that dad needs to be transferred to UST where the facilities are adequate to address his frail condition. I bawled like a child to my husband. I was lost and couldn’t think straight. I think that was one of those rare times that I totally didn’t know what to think or do. All I could do was fall on my face and cry like a little girl. I couldn’t even text friends to pray because I simply stopped, so hubby did his best to let some of our closest friends know. After a while, I called my dad just to tell him whiIe sobbing and crying that I loved him very much and that the kids love him and miss him as well. Dad was having a hard time breathing and I told him not to talk anymore. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. My dad is not verbally expressive. He shows his love for us by the things he does. For the first time, I finally heard him say “I love you” to me. I could tell that he was close to tears. I said goodbye and told him I would go to the hospital once they got settled. After that, I made a few calls to my cousin and my brother to inform them of this development.

After several hours of phone call exchanges, I forced myself to sleep because I knew I had to be there the next day. I didn’t want to be away from my dad no matter what happens. After barely 3 hours of sleep, I woke up and my brother called me to tell me they had to “incubate” dad (put him on a ventilator by inserting a tube through his trachea to assist his breathing). He had left my sister there to go home because he wasn’t feeling well too and he had a pregnant wife who was having early contractions because she was due to give birth in 3 weeks or so. I called my sister and she was tearful, she visited my dad every day at the old hospital and she knows by his looks if something wasn’t right. That day, she said she didn’t like how daddy looked and she told me to hurry up and come quickly because she was alone and by herself. I assured her I was on my way…that I would be there…to wait for me and not to worry because I would I was coming to stay and keep watch with her.

While hubby and the kids were preparing, I sat myself in the car and waited for them there.I was so restless I felt like a fish out of water gasping for air and the only thing I could really do to calm myself was to PRAY. Hubby and the kids were finally in the car and I asked the kids to be quiet during the trip. They agreed.

I went back to praying and I just silently poured out my heart to God,… knowing that only He can understand and only He could reach the deepest recesses of my soul that no earthly means could comfort. Looking back now and trying to recall what or how I prayed, I know that no human words could express what my soul laid before Him, I just remembered the weight of it all pushing against my chest. This continued all throughout the trip until I finally realized that the reason why I was on an emotional roller coaster was because I was trusting in men and not really trusting God after all. I was putting my faith in the findings, the physical evidences, the progress reports, the external manifestations that would validate the “answered” prayer that I wanted. So if the findings were good, it brought a false hope. If the findings were bad, it brought me despair.

Once I had realized that this was my folly, my foolishness, I asked God to help me put my trust in Him. There are times when hubby would ask me “Don’t you trust me? Do I have no credibility in that area?” I felt God was asking me the same thing…”Do you trust Me? Have I been good to you? Have I been faithful? Finally, Would you believe me and my promises even if the circumstances are not favorable to you?” I easily answered everything with a “yes”. When it came to the last question, I dwelt on it awhile trying to be as honest as I could to myself. When I knew in my heart that I could honestly and confidently say “yes” to the last question, the weight lifted from my chest and faith in the goodness and kindness of God calmed my soul. I had found the refuge I was desperately seeking for.

Does this mean that I should no longer feel sorrow or pain and just put on a smiley face and pretend the tears and the hurt do not exist? I don’t know, probably not. All I know right now is that I am like a little lost girl who fell and scraped her knee badly, holding the hand of my Heavenly Father as he carries me so I could rest while He is slowly nursing my wounds and singing me a lullabye to help ease the pain…

(to be continued……………..)

(to all those who have been praying and have left notes and messages, thank you so much. Your prayers have been helping us through this time. My apologies to all if I have not responded sooner I will try to respond individually as soon as our situation is more stable. Thank you for your understanding. I have relayed all your messages to my dad and our family is truly grateful to each one of you. May the Lord reward you above and beyond what we could hope to do for you all.)

I held back my tears and watched them go tonight… my dad and my brother. My dad has been sick these past few days and was diagnosed having medium-risk pneumonia for reasons I will no longer elaborate. We had brought him to the ER the other day because we woke up one morning and he was in pretty bad shape. He was barely recovering from a moderate bout of cough and colds when he suffered this setback. Ever since he came back from the ER (they said home care would be sufficient) I had been caring for him. I felt like a nurse on duty for 24 hours administering his medications and nebulizing him whenever necessary. Thank God for the handy dandy nebulizer! I have been sleep-deprived since and haven’t allowed myself to be emotional about it.

Earlier today, I felt that I did not have enough resources to nurse him back to health and seeing him suffer made it all the more difficult for me to think clearly. I needed help because I wasn’t confident about what I was doing so I decided to call my brother who is our family doctor to come and get him. I thought that it would be the wisest thing to do. But it was already nightfall and looking for transportation to bring him from our home all the way to Bulacan was a big challenge. We even thought of getting an ambulance just to transport him safely to  the hospital where my brother does his rounds.  With all the calls and texts we exchanged thank God my brother finally found someone who could drive for us. After almost 2 hours, they came.  Kuya (my brother) and I put daddy’s arms around our necks and slowly guided him to the vehicle. I felt a stab of pain in my heart when I closed the car door. I went back into the house and watched the car slowly turn and leave, I waved goodbye.  When they were out of sight I closed the front door,  entered my dad’s room, fixed  his bed and tidied his things. The house is quiet now. His room is empty… my tears are finally falling … he is not here….

“and we/(I) know that all things work together for good, to them that love God

I never thought that learning a new language would be so daunting. Trying to figure out how to translate my ideas into a visual reality has never been so challenging as this one. I have yet to decipher hidden codes, crypted messages, acronyms and vocabulary that I have never heard of and whose origin cannot be traced to ancient and dead languages but rather to the dynamic and ever growing domain of Geekland.

I have yet to find the Latin origin of HTML or FTP or codex in my son’s Latin book. Whoever heard of blidget, gidget, smidget and widget? I would have at a glance thought that it was referring to a short person who worked in a circus. Or what about these acronyms that have taken on a new life – OMG, LOL, ROFL, ETA, DS, DD and DH? One friend of mine actually advised me against using DH when I refer to my hubby in my posts. I think she found it weird or probably inappropriate because DH means something else where I come from. Oh well…

So where is this place called Geekland? Well if you are reading this post, then you are right in it. Welcome to the wide wonderful world of Geekland. Why do I call it geekland? Well, ever since I’ve been gifted this domain by a kind and generous sweet soul appropriately named Amore, I have discovered that there’s more than meets the eye in setting up a website. I have yet to learn how I could paint the vision I have in my mind on how this site should appear and function. I am a work in progress as I learn how to use tools such as code, css, theme, widgets, counters, stats, hyperlinks, edit, publish and so much more just to make a simple front page. The so-called frontyard of my house needs to be spruced up with the geek stuff I need a crash course on. Intimidated? yes. Challenging? definitely. Giving up? no.

I am also reminded of that Johnny Depp-Kate Winslet movie, “Finding Neverland“. It was about the life story of J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan (not the peanut butter, okay?) and what he went through just to stage the first production of that now beloved classic. Barrie was an artist who had a dream to share and he was supported by a sponsor who believed in him.

Why “Finding Geekland” then? Probably because I feel the same way. Somebody kind enough sponsored me to present something I think would be worth sharing and now I have the chance to stage it right here in this medium. Intimidated? yes. Scared to mess up? definitely. Willing to try? with all my heart.

So if you are willing to join me on this journey, you are welcome to tag along, get your feet wet, express your thoughts and teyst and see that life is good even if it is in geekland.

(don’t forget this site is still a work in progress – thanks!)

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